20241109 - 12:00
I had everything. Life has been lived to the brim. All my hopes, dreams, and desires: strived for, conquered. I went for it, and succeeded. And then it ended. I came home, and nothing’s left. It was bound to happen. Yet to actually see it is a wholly different thing. The worst thing: to not have tried. This was my maxim, and I can truthfully feel that they are words I’ve lived by. Despite all of this, I’ve suffered just the same. And how does one continue on with the mind pregnant of all that’s been? Lifetimes upon lifetimes. I learnt to say ‘yes’ to life, and what did it do for me in the end? I wouldn’t trade it for anything, yet how much less can I claim to suffer now than then? I just cannot move on, cannot continue as before. Cannot project my happiness unto things out there, because how could they be more? Perhaps it’s time, not for just another chapter to my life, another story that will ultimately end. Perhaps it’s time to say ‘no’, to renounce, to get it over with, be done with it all. Perhaps it’s time to learn the other side; to die before I die, so that ultimately, I might be, no more.
Because that’s what it feels like. Like I’m dying. Throughout, internally, irreparably, like death. Like nothing much of importance is left. Like sometimes I can fool myself, but not really. Everything was hedged on something that disappeared. Now, I, too, am fading away. And I just don’t know how to deal with it. I want to let it happen; I want to give it all the space it needs. Yet it requires EVERYTHING of me. And who am I to say, what’s right or wrong? I just miss her so so much. What else is there to say.