20241108 - 12:00
Pressure rises. Distractions, thoughtlessness, tumoult. Doubt. The mind, looking for gratification. For a way out. There’s not a lot of places here, to hide. I can at leasy say that. Food; a big gratification, here held in high esteem. But no matter, my responsibilities are my own. I struggle. I want to reach out to her. I want sensual pleasures: food, entertainment, socializing, everything. Yet it’s evidently a step in the right direction, now less than before. Signified by the mind’s resistance, by the struggle. Mental action takes the place of bodily ones. They are more subtle, harder to see, harder to restrain. I’m not quite sure when they simply arise and when I proliferate them. Where is pushing away and where is ‘letting be’? Where is letting be and where is welcoming? I am terrified of the states I see before me, of what renunciation will uncover. But the monster under the bed was always there, we just spend our lives hiding..