20241107 - 12:00
Today the sadness is growing. Like an unfathomable abyss, it beckons. “Come, child.” The feeling that I have lost the one thing I could not afford to lose keeps re-appearing. Like I have nothing left. Every moment; a moment for her. Marked by her absence as much as it would have been her presence. The sun sets over the fields and I cry. Imagining her standing there beside me. Life was us. Without us, what is life? What’s the point!? Every time I open to the grief, every time I let myself be vulnerable, it just points to her. Vulnerability, openness, these are imprinted with her presence, with her love, with her care. The tears are running as I write this, and all I want is her to be there and comfort me. They keep running because I know she never will. Because I know that “she” is an illusion, and nothing could ever match. Because I know that the absence I feel as hers IS LIFE.