20241021 - 15:37
I think, today, it became real. The beginning of the rest of my life. We are not together anymore, truly. The future is what? “An intention, not a promise.” No longer can I hold onto it, no longer can it be my anchor. No longer can I let the question “will this increase the chances of us getting back together” influence my decisions. Because it has. Because it does. Because letting go meant accepting that she doesn’t want to be with me right now, understanding why, and taking actions to change that. Not practicing for her sake, practicing for mine. Practicing for practice sake. But also, shaping my life in such a way that one day we can be together again. That one day, she will want to. She asks me if I’ve let her go. I think that so long as I hold on to my self, she will be there. She says I might meet other people. I might. But as long as my identity is, she will be a part of it.
Thinking about us never being together again is unbearable. Not only is it possible, it’s true. Never is not a property of time. Death is not here right now as the possibility of the future. Death is, in our liability to it. Death exists solely in the way that it can happen. When I am dead, death IS NOT. Never exists as the fact that it is not “on the horizon”. Nothing presently dictates that it can be. It might be exactly in the same way that death is. So, then, what does it mean that it’s unbearable? It means that holding on to our future requires not accepting the present. It means I either let her go.. or I deny myself the possibility to be alive. It means choosing between a future that might be or a present that is. And I am so so tired of denying myself the present on the possibility of a future. Is that not all that these last months have been?
I lost the only person I have ever really loved. From the deepest part of my heart, I gave her all of it. On one hand she’s alive, she’s healthy, and we’re friends. At the same time, I did lose her. I ask myself why, and I know. Because I was afraid. Because my fear took hold, and I denied myself the opportunity to be alive. Because her strength is that she cannot, will not, does not. My whole life, fear was in control. The space I had abroad gave me the ability to let it go. “To be someone else.” But if it was only possible when I was “someone else”, it was all a game. A play. A big fucking joke. So, being here. Returning from the journey and staying true to myself where it really matters; in my life. Because out there, I could be whoever I wanted to be. Out there, it wasn’t really real. Here it is. And so, here is where I need to do the work. Here is where my journey needs to be. And if losing her was what I needed to realize that I cannot let fear be in charge of my life, then so be it. At least it was worth something. But if I don’t make changes now? I might as well have died a week ago.