20241021 - 15:36
What do I feel? Today I have been practicing a constant awareness of my enduring “state”, the background to which my life takes place. What is there, underneath? How does it affect my choices on a day-to-day, minute-by-minute, basis? I see a lot of actions arising from the attempt to rid myself of a general ‘pressure’ which steadily rises when I do not do so. Ironically, these actions fuel themselves. For instance, when I meditate this pressure is more bearable. When I stay mindful, the pressure is coated in awareness. But when I act out of aversion to the pressure, although it temporarily fades, soon it comes back stronger; more demanding. Quickly, it gains momentum. And from that point, bringing mindfulness back, it is so very strong. I see actions arising that are less and less skillful as a way to deal with the pressure. I try to see what happens following one of these actions, but staying aware of the pressure. Here, I see something. The action doesn’t really lessen the pressure. It just hides it underneath something else. Layers upon layers are built. A whole identity, a self, just built on this pressure. And it’s not built abstractly, somewhere else. The pressure isn’t trauma I experienced when I was 4 that I created a self around, then. Every second of every day, the self is created around this pressure. Moment by moment. Unearthing just a few layers, quickly I feel it overtaking me. An existential anxiousness screaming and clawing for space. The practice is to sit with it without covering it up. Without giving in and trying to lessen it. Without trying to lessen my moment-by-moment suffering, I simply am alongside it. I endure. Without trying to ease my suffering. So I ask myself, throughout the day. What is my intention behind this action? Is it trying to lessen my presently enduring suffering? Am I trying to ease it, manage it, cover it up, lessen it, hide it? If so, this action is rooted in aversion. It is unskillful. This is not a nice practice. Meditation makes me feel good. Meditation increases my well-being in the general sense. But it does so largely because it creates an atmosphere which is better suited for dealing with suffering. And if we’re only practicing our management of suffering, we are not on the path towards liberation from it.