20241210 - 21:05
Without expectations. I breathe the words into my life. This project, its start being marked by these very words, are an exploration in its meaning. This moment, this day, this life, now an attempt to understand what it means. I undertake projects, I give of myself to life in a way I have never dared to do before. At times the returns are instant and wonderous. Other times, they are nothing. Sometimes even, they are downright negative. I happily rush down an icy hill and I fall, hitting my arm heavily, glasses flying off. I ask my parents if they want to go to a concert to celebrate S:t Lucia and am met with disinterest. Without expectations; to just be me. Everything else can come and go as it may; it is not up to me. Just the same I owe it to stay aligned, to stay centered. I cannot act from the expectation of return, such an intention would quickly fizzle into nothing.
I have a long call today with a woman I consider a mentor and guide in this life. It is of immense benefit, and we share in the joy I am experiencing right now in the attempt “to get my life together.” She encourages me in this understanding. The process of being myself is the only goal I have, the only goal I possibly could have; just to be. Everything else is secondary, but what a wonderful freedom it is! The realization that there is nowhere I have to go, nothing to accomplish, nothing I have to do. No expectations to meet, from others or myself. I don’t have to be perfect, or even competent. I can simply trust in the fact that if I align myself with myself, if I am, truly, myself, whatever that means in this very moment, then I am doing precisely what I can, should, would, and am supposed to do. Just this very moment, in this very life, here and now. To be present for it. To share its joys and sorrows. To live it. A rare and joyous occasion! No moment will ever be the same, yet all of them I get to experience! Every single one, until I die! I laugh, I cry, I smile, I frown. Underneath all of it, a radical acceptance: this is what there is right now. It could not be otherwise.