20230703 - 18:03
It feels a bit weird, traveling. The unbearable lightness of being. Like I’m supposed to be worried, or anxious, or uncomfortable. But centering myself, just feeling my body, my breath, the environment, I’m not. And so, despite the anxiousness of the past that was projected onto this future, the present is fine. Which, when really felt, starts to take on a scary aspect. Here-in lies the “unbearable” part of it. I’m so used to the weight, taking it off makes me feel like something is missing. Like taking off a heavy backpack after a long walk (which I also did); walking without it feels like you’ve forgot something. It reminds me of a similar feeling I got a few weeks ago. After meditating, I found myself at peace. Like everything was OK. But my mind did not want to be at peace, it wasn’t used to, wasn’t comfortable with, the feeling. Instead it interpreted it as uncomfortable.
But wait, aren’t you forgetting something? What about the past, what about the future? What about this, what about that? What about ME!?
At first, stillness was uncomfortable because it revealed suffering. Now, even when it (rarely) allows for peace, it still feels uncomfortable. At least it’s better than activity. Uncomfortable stillness knows itself. I guess that’s the difference. It sees the suffering that is perpetuated by the mind craving activity, but is able to distance itself. To abide in stillness and observe the uncomfortableness of it all. The next step? Learning to let go.
Oh, and Nepal is nice. Tibetan Buddhism seems quite far off. We’ll see how the course goes.
The words suddenly seems to be pouring out. I guess I lost the oral outlet. Being in a place like this, the judgements are for some reason overflowing. Rooted in a fundamental insecurity, comparisons arise, a need for an external validation. But where, externally, lies suffering? The gaze of the Other is projected as judgemental, precisely as much as the Self judges. The internal judgements are “turned outwards” and so the mind starts judging others, in order to protect itself.
The first step: Recognition
Then we must allow others to be what they are - must allow our-self to be what it is. Simply let it be, watch but don’t judge its presuppositions. By judging the judgements, we enclose the snare, furthering the spiral of Samsara.
I think we do not realize the blessing we have been given, that which is a pre-requisite for encountering the Dhamma. We take it for granted, its existence, its availability, even the fact that we have ears that can hear it and a heart that can feel it. That we have the sense to listen. If this is reflected upon, if really allowed to be felt, we also neccessarily see the responsibility that it entails. We cannot allow ourselves to look away, to be distracted. We must practice the Dhamma for all of those who never got the chance. We must strive to attain liberation for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is the blessing, this is the responsibility. This view transforms everything.
How can we see another’s shortcomings, another’s outbursts, with anything but compassion?
How can we look at the world, with all of its suffering, with anything but compassion?
Judgements, comparisons, they are outgrown. But beware of false friends: Pity. It can all be appropriated by the ego. Humbleness, the most important practice.
The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao.
The Name that can be Named is not the eternal Name.
We live in a world of labels. In the world of our minds.
“Humans are the only beings who’s primary way of interacting with the world is conceptual, through the mind.”
This is the trap, the maze, of language. It has to be transcended. The inherent emptiness of form. It’s dependent arising. But I can’t see it. It can be grazed, tangented, glimpsed, in rare and precious moments. The thus-ness of it all. Oh what a beautiful sight. The stars align, the heavens rejoice. The sight of a leaf falling from a tree or the arc of a bird gliding across the horizon.
Dependent arising. Emptiness is form. Form is emptiness. Causes and Conditions. What does it mean? Death. A complete ineffability. “Teflon mind”. Slippery. A blank surface. Total non-grasping. To allow what is, to be. How could anything be more difficult?
The Buddha saw all the world’s suffering and his solution was to go sit underneath a tree
We find ourselves in the world of our concern. Absorbed, fascinated. This is our pre-supposition, our basis. It is not external, it is not something “out there” with which we interact or might choose to concern ourself. The “homeward” journey must be recognized as set free from the self’s ownership. We have already drunk the poison, have never experienced independence. We find our-self concerned with the world. This implies that we have no signpost, no way of orienting ourself. Wrong view. Wrong understanding. But, we can recognize the layers that we are implied in this existence. Our self. This is what we find. Concerned with the world. We must recognize how the self is built upon, relies on, activity. Movement. We find our-self concerned with the world. Thus, cultivating calmness, stopping activity, lets us see underneath. It leads to wisdom. Simply allowing ourselves to look, to observe the habitual movements of our mind, and following the movements to their root, seeing the fact of dependent arising. It’s painful. Hard to bear. How forced, neccessitated, it all is. How can we claim ownership of any of it? Just allow it to be.
Compassion. So intuitively wholesome. So difficult to be put into practice. We should dedicate our practice out of compassion towards all sentient beings. This is easy. It’s abstract. No abstract beings has ever done me any harm. But in reality, in practice? Oh so difficult. We must first, I think, learn how to be compassionate towards our own unwholesomeness. Then we can learn to be compassionate towards others’. Ah, pride, hello again. It’s been a while! Allow it. Look at it. See its arising, its dependence, then see it falling. Smiling, laughing compassionately. This is the attitude we must develop. Towards others, we must see their suffering. Not with pity, but compassion. And were they to to arise negative feelings inside of us, we cannot view it as their fault. It is entirely our own. Another opportunity to practice mindfulness, to practice compassion!
So, we notice, while practicing mindfulness, we lose ourself after a while. Something happens that disturbs, that pushes us from our center. We forget the mindfullness practice and unwholesome states arise. After a while we remember: “Oh, right, mindfullness”, and then we can re-center ourself and calm then mind again. We have found ourself, after being lost for a while, in some disturbed state of mind. This is where the practice must begin. It is ALWAYS at that point, after we’ve been lost in unwholesomeness, that we find ourself, off-center. It is of the upmost importance that the practice always picks up after a “failure”. The whole practice is centering. We cannot center what is already centered. We cannot allow ourselves to be off-put, to be discouraged, by the fact that we find ourself in unwholesomeness. We shall instead rejoice in the fact that we’ve found ourself, no matter where that is. What an opportunity! Now we can be mindful, we can have compassion towards the suffering that lead to unwholesomeness. We pick up our practice again. Each time it gets just a little bit easier. BUT; only if we recognize the finding for what it is, something positive. It simply revealed unwholesomeness that was already there. We find ourself already affected, always. Better to not look away, to let it exist. Do not feed ignorance for the banal comfort it provides.
The practice is about letting go. Let it be. Approach things as they are. Thusness. What if we use this as our compass, to navigate our struggles? Take anxiety for example. Social anxiety. The exaggeration of the deconstructing gae of the Other. “They”. This, too, is based in a missplaced selfishness. But more importantly, not letting yourself be as you are. Not trusting the thusness, the deep pureness of the inner being. All we need is compassion, for self, for other. Letting compassion penetrate, allowing it to really be, upholding it as basis for all other, as an imperative. In doing such a thing, how can the gaze hurt us? While trusting the purity of compassion, what is there to be deconstructed? It inspires confidence, on a level before particularities. Those might be wrong, but rooted in and guided by compassion, the path will eventually reveal itself.
I looked myself in the mirror today, and for the first time in maybe forever, there was no criticism. Just compassion, love, happiness. If that isn’t progress, I’m not sure what is. No words can explain the relief that offers. Nothing can be more worth cultivating. The Dhamma shines through. All I can do is smile.
Karma does not fit with self-view. Sometimes, our karma has to be accepted. You are born in a country with an authoritarian rule, and must use force to overthrow it. This is your karma. It’s the only thing that can be done. So do it. Neither is it a blame-game. It is NOT victim-blaming. It is simply recognizing the suffering in your mind, and starting the work from there. You will not ease your suffering by blaming the perpetrator, the external cause, or by looking for punishment, for justice.
There is suffering. There is a way out of suffering. Suffering is not external. It is not pain. Suffering arises from the aversion of pain. Aversion of sadness, of negativity. We are born INSIDE of Karma. We are not innocent. This does not mean that we should blame ourself, to be negative to ourself. Compassion is the basis. The starting-point is never pure, we always find ourself inside the world, in the middle of action. Dhamma always starts, the practice always starts, from an impure position. This is why compassion is so important. We must have compassion towards ourself, and to the perpetrator. He suffers, always, more than the victim. It has nothing to do with blame. Where is the utility of blame? What is Justice? A good person? A bad person? We are never innocent. Born into samsara. We perpetuate suffering because we suffer. It is all rooted in a false sense of self. Of ownership.
Metta teaches us compassion towards all living beings. Compassion is neither compatible with anger, mistrust and negativity, nor with ignorance or non-care. Compassion imbues everyone with positivity. The befriended stranger is no longer a strange. Nor is the enemy left in existence. Eradicated by compassion.
Emotions tend to try and justify themselves. They arise in conjunction with thought-chains, with stories. Dependent arising. And we tend to believe the stories, welcome them, rejoice even. “Why” we ask ourselves. The thirst for knowledge, for answers, perpetuate the thought-streams, justify emotions, and keep us from overcoming them. But what does the story matter? The emotion is there none-the-less. We must allow ourself to be where we’ve found ourself; inside the emotion. The past, the story, the justification for the arising of the emotion, is irrelevant. That’s where we were, not where we are. We are inside the emotion. So we let us be there, where we are. And we work from there. Which is here. Instead of the there that is “over there”. Where we aren’t.
When we feel stuck in our practice, “we need to purify our mind, in order to remove the obstacles and go even deeper”. Isn’t there a problem, grasping for progress? Just let the obstacle be there, sit with it, feel it, and observe how the mind reacts. Let it be as it is. Abandon the need for swift progress. Purifying implies that we think we are stuck, unpure, problematic. Judgement. It creates and perpetuates the feeling of a do-er needing to put in effort and work hard and …
[Insert image of man hitting his head against a brick wall]
Why not just let go? Of expectations, of accomplishments, of method. Just sit. Observe whatever happens. Don’t try to change it, or judge it. Its existence justifies itself. Mindfullness is enough to lead you all the way.
Ignorance is the root of all negative afflictions. Seeing Truth, how can they arise? Abiding in Anger, allowing yourself to feel it, to see it, how can it continue? Seeing the karma it creates, the suffering it brings.
How do we define intention? How do we analyze it? We must start from where we are, from what we can see. Our actions. Following their arising (and falling), recognizing patterns in order to see the more subtle dependency of origination. Actions are rooted in intention. We habitually make the mistake of raising actions to the level of intention, of motivation. Intentions are too subtle, almost invisibly hiding in the background. But the (seemingly) same action carries different intentions, affecting the outcome. So we must analyze the root of our actions, finding the intention, before determining its value.
We shall not act out of the intention arising from negative afflictions. For example, avoiding pain, craving pleasure. While meditating, pain arises. Then, the desire to rid the pain, by moving perhaps, arises. We notice the pain. We notice the desire to rid the ourselves of the pain. Then we sit through the pain, until it becomes berable, until we’ve centered ourselves again, so that the desire to rid the pain disappears. First then can we allow ourself to move, because the action is no longer rooted in the aversion of pain.
Desire creates a need. A want. As such, desire is what creates the lack. Before we desire someting, we’re fine without it. But as soon as the desire arises, our Being re-orients itself in accordance. The present loses its charm, it becomes only the background to that which we haven’t, it’s only the opportunity to fullfill the desire. In itself, it is lackluster, containing only the deep sense of something missing. So we notice, desire arises, and everything becomes worse. Desiring is not pleasurable, if it were we would be content with desiring and wouldn’t have to strive to fullfill it. We can still enjoy things without desire. The object is the same. That chocolate cake will in fact taste even better, now that you can eat it without the bittersweet taste of craving more after it is gone. Now we can enjoy before and after as well. Without desires, even the smallest enjoyment seems enough to rejoice. Because it is purely good.
The naming, the label, is the thing that creates the desire, the idea of the thing. But when we get the thing, our idea of what the thing would be is nowhere to be found. The thing that we desire is in our mind. Objet petit a. It is not the thing itself. So of course attaining the thing won’t satisfy the desire. The object of desire is mental, but we search for it, try to satisfy it, by things, out there.
Labeling is not the problem. Mistaking the label for Reality is. We are not aware of our label, as a label. The label creates the illusion of permanence. Change is in the nature of phenomena. But the label groups changing phenomena, and so we forget that the thing that has been labeled is not the same as it was.
The same man never crosses the same river twice.
A general problem of Buddhist philosophy is when we forget that they are instructions for teachings. They are not intellectual musings. It has to be realized, has to be felt in everyday life, on a deeper level. Not just another set of knowledge to be stored away. The Dhamma has to be lived, otherwise it is not the real Dhamma.
The days surely do move quickly. Yesterday was a big pot of connecting ideas. Rougly about mindfullness, self-lessness, emptiness, non-dualism. We are trying to see the world as-is, in its thusness. First we must ask ourselves: how does it differ from our everydayness? Solid. That’s the illusion. Things take on a certain mental weight. The world is censored through our sense of self. It appears to us as a world of representations. As owned. If we start with ourself, our actions, it becomes clearer. Practicing mindfullness is the practice of becoming more aware of our actions. The myth of self kind of radiates out while doing this. While I am writing this, all I do is set the intention to write down my thoughts, and the words just flow out. I don’t know how.
What I can do is become aware of me, writing. I can observe it. Then, I can becomre aware of me thinking, while I am writing. This is more difficult. Then I notice that it is all happening on its own. It does not require “I” to write, nor think. And so I can go about my day, simply observing what is happening. Choices are made, no problem. Because, in the end, what is it to make a conscious choice? Where exactly, does it come from? Reason? Logic? Or circumstance? It’s like a big void, where answers kind of float up to the surface. No conscious process needed. Just a deep sense of trust. And so, because of the dependence of self, the conscious part is mistaken. It thinks it can create, independently. But HOW? It always comes from somewhere. It’s just another part of dependent experience, flowing through.
So, while observing myself walking around, I look at mental phenomena. I see opinions, judgements, and various other mental activity. I trace them back to the sense of self, and the disconnect that creates. Then, I allow them to pass by.
Last day. It went quickly. I feel like a month would have been better, to really immerse myself in it. At the same time, a lot of the teachings aren’t really for me. It’s too conceptual. Also, a large group was distracting at times, silence wasn’t kept and rules weren’t followed. Which was a problem because it swept me away, too. Just shows you where I’m at. I love some of the symbolism though, as long as it is recognized as such. The wheel of life profoundly communicates Samsara and the suffering that entails. Mandalas are, somehow, helpful. I’m not sure how or why. The discussion groups were the best part of the day, apart from the unofficial ones. I’ve found myself just enjoying to talk. Which is new. The teachings becamse long-winded at times, but then it was enough to be with the nice energy the teachers put out. The meditations were nice, they were …
[Life got in the way]
Today was my first day in Nepal outside of the monastery. It was nice, although I spent a bit more money than maybe I should have. I met some people from the course at a book store and one of them took me to a sound healing. That was extremely interesting. It really got me thinking. The vibrations made me get in touch with my body, with parts that I’ve “forgot”. It’s like your mind loses awareness of them, and the vibrations remind you of their existence. It really helps with mindfullness, one big part of course being mindfullness of the body. It really shows the importance getting in touch with your body. It made me think of how trauma, stress, and mental negativity, is literally stored inside the body. “Opening your heart” is literally the action of opening up your body and chest towards the world. Body posture is SO important. Like the Tai-Chi walk of Master Gu, reflecting the carefreeness. Or the stability of a good cross-legged position. But we walk around habitually closed off, not aware of the fact. So I felt really good after an hour there, my mindfullness definitely increased.
I’ve been thinking today about how to stay open and sensitive while traveling, with all the roughness that implies. The only solution has to be found in practice. Calm abiding, centered and engaging with the world on your own terms. Just have to be careful not to get swept away by the tide.
Well, today has been weird. I woke up feeling naseous and generally ill. Of course it didn’t help that my roomate was smoking in bed at 08. I decided that I needed to stay in a hotel for the last night. Just walking 15 minutes with my backpack, I was close to passing out. Then I rested in the hotel for the entire day, indulging in phone-time, which I quite regret. A shame about the plans I had for the day, I was looking forward to them. Sometimes life has other plans and all you can do is accept them. Unfortunately I’ve been in a low mood the whole day, It’s so interesting how the body’s well-being affects your emotions, and thoughts!
Insecurities and negativities I hadn’t entertained for a long time really caught hold of me today. Fascinating. Sometimes I feel like that we can do is observe. I really did get swept away by the tide, it’s a bit ironic. But then I went outside and met a friend and things got better. Nepal seems like a country I would’ve enjoyed staying longer in. Perhaps this is making my travel-stiffness loosen up, as before I was very scared to travel without plans (even these few in-between days). I felt like I had to go places and do things. But the beauty is that I don’t. In fact, that kind of travel mostly detracts and hinder you from truly enjoying where you are.
Life is a guy in a trenchcoat hiding in a valley, whispering for you to come with. But we’re too caught up in where we’re going to even notice his existence.