20230601 - 08:57
The Buddha taught us two things. Dukkha, and the way out of Dukkha. In order to seperate ourselves from it, we must first see it as it truly is. Thus he set up an ingenious little trap. We are curious, and so we might venture cautiously into practice. After meditating for a while, some things might start to fall into place, unconsciously. We start to embody (some) harmony, and life becomes just a little bit easier. For some reason or another, life happens, as it unfortunately always does. Our practice slips up, and the harmony we’ve developed starts to waver. Okay, fine, back to square one. If only it were so. The Buddha taught us two things. Dukkha, and the way out of Dukkha. If our practice has done anything for us, if it has been genuine, it has revealed Dukkha and the way that we ordinarily try to escape it, by covering it up. The practice is largely based on this revealing, so that we might stop our habitual escape and deal with the problem. Only now, we’ve stopped dealing with the problem. But our knowledge does not fade. So, what did the Buddha say? There are only two outcomes to seeing Dukkha as it truly is. The noble search, or madness. Now, Dukkha is staring us in the face, grinning. So we habitually try to cover it up, but our knowledge remains, we can no longer cover up the act of covering up. The itch stays, the knowledge that we are hiding from something. And it will start to grow.
So, we acknowledge that we have to continue. But where? To the place we were. Except the practice contains, builds, momentum. It radicalizes. As things are illuminated, there’s a great force, urging you to go.. somewhere. You can’t be neutral on a moving train. Thus, being stationary becomes an issue. As Dukkha becomes revealed, we must look at ourselves, at our life. The addiction to what we can call The Game of Sensuality. It is not a leisurely game, not a casual one. It is not sporadic or periodical. It is constant, it is enduring. It is the very thing that define our life and our self as we know it. To put it down, to seriously attempt to stop delighting in sensuality, well, it’s not a small matter. It is however the only way forward.
This is the point of my aching. I have tried, for a long time, ever since I started, to find another path; to amass knowledge, to amass experiences; to learn, take notes, compare. It is all, however, out there. It is surely another path, but it does not share the destination.
To calm the mind, to tame it, our sensual craving must be stopped. But it’s the game I’ve always played, the only one I know. It’s what defines happiness, what defines sadness. It’s what defines my purpose. So I feel stuck. Afraid, not really ready for the next step, not ready to leave it all behind. There’s talk of a middle way. But the balance required? I have enough trouble standing on one leg.
Sensuality has become, for the first time ever, an issue. Not theoretically, in abstract, in Buddhas words and the suttas, but right here, right now, I feel it. An issue. It is something suspect, something that has to be evaluated. An addict, slowly waking up to the fact of being such. Not, however, ready to leave his way of life.
What about all my dreams? All the things I want do do, all the experiences I want to have. What about my life?
I think what I fear the most isn’t even a future where I lack the experiences I’ve dreamed about. It’s the future where I don’t mind. What would that make me, as I am right now? A stranger, lost in the ether. Maybe a little familiar, as something that once was. Looked back at with nostalgia, perhaps. More likely, viewed as ignorance transcended.
Here-in, I think, we face our challenge. We’ve gone ahead of our-selves. Where can we find the future self, no matter his path? Only in one place; our presently enduring thoughts. Imagining a future self, looking back at our present, projecting the thoughts he would have, well it’s quite an abstract entanglement we find ourselves in. If, however, we try to face it concretely, in our everyday mindfulness practice, that is, at the place where we are at, abandoning sensuality is, while difficult, calming. It lessens suffering.
(One small caveat, although Dukkha is diminished, it is also revealed. Thus, it might phenomenologically be misconstrued as an increase.)
“The practice, done correctly, lessens suffering in the here and now.”
I also quite like what the 9th Gyalwa Karmapa said, paraphrasing:
“In this tradition we don’t think of enlightenment as something reached after a certain span of time. Rather, we aim to attain realization right here, on this very seat.”
Things fall away, quite naturally, if you let them. There is, as discussed previously, no forcing. The act of surrender, of letting go, is rooted in passivity.
Perhaps all the addict need is time for the seed of doubt to grow. We might take a hint from the Taoists, using the terminology of the natural way.
“Not overmuch, not excessive” I can hear my teacher saying. “Just right, you have to find the balance”.
After all, there’s quite a lot of sensuality that can be dropped right where we are. We should view it with honesty.
Changes will inevitably come, but they should originate from within, not from a misconstrued notion of external moral imperatives.
Fundamentally, the path is spiritual. What does it mean? It means we walk it with our minds, with our heart. Your shoes can be left by the door.