20241021 - 15:23
There’s a big gaping hole in my heart where she used to be. But when I actually am honest with myself, when I really dare to look, I know that it was already there before she left. I wrote her name in big letters on a sticker and put it there, but it was never really hers. Maybe that is why she left. I do not know. But I am familiar with this hole. It swallows everything. It takes the space from sensitivity, from emotions, and it annihilates. Life becomes so small. That is how I feel here. Like everything is small. Empty. It shows me what I cannot be without. What I value. Sensitivity is not a burden. It is everything I have. It’s the reason I’m alive - it’s the reason that I want to be. All the pain that I feel in my heart, all the sorrowing and suffering; I am grateful for it. I am grateful that I’m here to feel it. So intensely that I cry and shake for hours. That I scream until my voice turns hoarse. That I hurt so much more than I would ever think was possible. And afterwards, that I sit down and feel it all run through my body. This is all that matters. And despite the hardships, all I want is to nurture it. To nurture my emotions. To cradle them, to feed them. To let them know that it’s okay to be here, and it’s okay to express yourself. She left me with a gaping hole she’s not responsible for. I hope I can meet her again, whole.