20241021 - 15:24
Spent the evening with my family. We had dinner and then played cards. I was on the verge of crying the whole evening. They didn’t seem to notice. Nobody seems to notice much. It feels like it’s all just playing - playing at connection, playing at being a family. The fact that they’re not downright hostile, the fact that their intentions are good, what does it help me? I feel just as disconnected, just as alone, just as invisible. Conversations that are non-conversations, just a way to pass the time. To fill the uncomfortable space of quietude. Here, I certainly don’t feel alive. It feels revolting. Everything seems nice from outside, wherever you go. But people are nice, not kind. They are pleasant, not caring.
I like to believe that I can make it different. That I can shape my own life - at the very least - to be different. But can I, really, here? Can I create truth and honesty, can I bring the Dhamma to flourish, in the midst of these surroundings? If I can’t, then I should leave. If I can’t, I know that the environment will swallow me whole. It’s happened before. I took a serious look at my life today. Maybe for the first time in my life. What do I, truly, desire? Not what is easy, not what do I think is reasonable, not what do I think is beneficial right now. What do I desire?
I desire solitude. I desire silence. I desire time and space to practice. What does it mean? What does it look like? Simply, to be alive. Not necessarily intense retreats. Definitely not sensual pleasures. Quietude. To go inwards. To find again the beautiful dance I dedicate my life to perfect. Thinking about it - about the fact that I forget - bring tears to my eyes. How could anything else EVER possibly matter? The beautiful dance of life. Situated in the middle of it all and feeling life flow through me, like a cool breeze on a hot summer evening. My body remembers. Just the thought brings shivers. I know that this is what I want. More than anything else. So what holds me back? Why am I here? If I am truly honest, do I think that I can find that here? If I look at the intention behind staying, is it not the face of fear that greets me? If I look at the person that makes the choice, is he not a small kid, afraid of life? As I write, I feel the power flowing through my fingertips. I feel my inner world expanding - I feel the space that it is made of. I feel immensely strong. And that, more than anything. That is what scares me.