20231105 - 12:22
I went and bought some candy today. Don’t know why I did that, haven’t really craved anything for a long time. Got home, played a game of Mario Kart and got through about 1% of the candy before I regretted the purchase. Regret is the wrong word, it’s more like I was dumbfounded by the fact that I had bought it. I knew I didn’t really want it even before, but it’s like I wanted to want it so bad that I pretended I did, convinced myself that I did. That feeling is nauseating, where the only thing you really crave is to go back to how it was like before. To the time where you actually did want things, you had a plan and just did things. But that’s the thing, I don’t think you can go back. It’s like you started driving on a one-way street, and the only way is forward. Which is really scary. The future is so uncertain, and your memories don’t seem real. It’s not like it’s depression either, but I think it’s all just so much to take in. Feels like I’ve raised my walls and everything is just more. More pain, more joy, more suffering, more happiness. Like that song, “The highs are that much higher when the lows are the lowest.” The bad times aren’t even that bad, I just feel glad that they ARE at all y’know? Thinking about the future drives me insane, I’m so afraid that I’m gonna make a wrong turn and just lose it all. That’s the trap, where you’re so concerned about missing everything and spend so much time worrying that you actually DO miss it. That’s the tragic irony of life. Sometimes life feels precisely like that train, headed forward at 100km/h and never stopping. Which means that even doing nothing is still making a choice. That’s the truly scary part, as soon as you stop to ponder over a choice the opportunity is gone. Life moves too fast for logical thinking and reasoning, there’s just no time. Not that it could be reasoned anyways. Sometimes it really do feel like the rarest thing is originality, is action. Actually following your will, as opposed to living in a paradox. That thing we all do where we project our thoughts onto the world and pretend that we are our thoughts and not our actions, like anyone else but us knows that part deep inside. Then we get mad at the world for not seeing us as we see ourselves, or even worse mad at ourselves for not being honest. The anger just acts as an object to grip onto, the anger and shame doesn’t deter us from that spiraling cycle but just drives us deeper. Sometimes I think it would have been better not being conscious of it all, I do think ignorance really is bliss. If I could choose again I don’t think I’d start down this road again, I look at people around me and they just manage to get so caught up in it. In the daily routine, the pretend seriousness of life as if it all actually mattered. As if any of it did. I think back to how that felt with nostalgia. At the same time, it’s all so incredibly beautiful. I just feel so claustrophobic in my head sometimes. I wouldn’t even say in my head, but it’s like I’m claustrophobic in my life. Like all of it is wrong, just running on old steam in the form of passed moments and fear. That’s where the indecisiveness sets in. Do you change course because you feel like you should be doing something else, or is that just because you seem to never be able to stick to something? How do you decide? It feels like a race between my actions and my will and my actions are dragging their feet, never really catching up. How can I know? In the end I feel like I should live my own life and not someone else’s, but trusting myself is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do.
Anyways I watched I’m thinking of ending things and I might just be projecting things but that movie fucked me up. If something resonates with you, go watch it, otherwise you’re better off without honestly.