20241021 - 15:21
I know that I should let her go. I know that we’re not good right now. I know that wounds take time to heal, and that right now we would not be beneficial for each other. I know that there is nothing more in life I want than to be with her - and that my heart is breaking from our distance. I know that this is why I need to let her go. To find myself again.
I thought that there was space here. That I could carve out my own life that would protect me. A job, apartment, quietude, practice. That even if it was not perfect - even if it wasn’t beneficial for my practice - that it would support me. Nurture my self until I felt strong enough to continue. That I would get to see for myself what I am leaving behind - so that I can do so without doubts. Fully aware of my choice, and that it’s right for me. To let go of past, to let go of future, and just do this for a while. See what it brings.
Yet for all I can let go, I cannot forget my past. I cannot forget what these last months have done to me. It pains me to think about where I was. Life was never easy, but there was genuine happiness. Freedom. A few days ago I didn’t find a reason to be alive. I don’t recognize myself, and I feel so weakened. There is not space enough for practice to be cultivated here, at least I cannot do it. There is too much happening, too many outside constraints. Things move so fast, and there’s no space or time to be alive. Believing that this will change, from what? A job, an apartment, more responsibilities? It seems absurd. It seems misplaced. And yet I do not know. I cannot choose. I don’t feel stable enough to leave, and don’t know where I would go. Back into her arms? I just don’t know.