240330 - Intensity

“Seek out that which is difficult.”

Hardships and pain. Joy and sorrow. Pleasure and suffering. These dichotomies, in their ordinary sense, are far away from anything with which we are concerned. I have come to realize that my respect and loyalty towards Buddhism has transcended itself. My ideas of who a Buddhist should be, and the rules of life such a person should adhere to, gets in the way of my practice. The theory is always outside, and from such a place nothing can take root, grow, nor bloom. Its only outcome is mechanical imitation, following. The life-force which we are seeking to release from its fetters is not found here. The path, to be sure, looks different for everyone, yet the guidelines Buddhism sets up is applicable to most of us. At this point on my journey, however, I realize that my knowledge dwarfs my spirit. I seek liberation from suffering. The abolishment of Dukkha. “For the benefit of all sentient beings.” Buddhism teaches me what to seek. I do not know what their words mean. However much I pray, these words are always tainted by piousness. It was certainly not my origin, the quest that led me to find respite in an ancient eastern religion in the first place. If I close my eyes and listen, a familiar feeling washes over me. It’s always so close at hand and yet days, weeks, even months, pass by without my admittance of its intensifying waves. Intensifying, yes. It’s deep, strong, calm. Deathly serious in its playfulness. It is life, itself. God; for every inch I don’t deny him, he is there. Not lost, as a pebble on the shore, but denied. Active resistance keeps him out. In the beginning was the word, so too, at my origin there was only Him. Now there are endless possibilities, a myriad of things with which we can amaze ourselves. Outside influences lead us astray. Still, I close my eyes, I listen, and for a moment, I feel him return. The only serious question, the only one that has arisen from within; how do I let him in? How do I live life in a way that does not deny its fullness? A question posed in honesty is only answered by the life it leads. In every action, every second, every breath: we ask, we answer. Life should be no certain way but our own, should be endured as much in pleasure as in pain. Intensity, this is what I seek: life. It terrifies me. Every time I shy away, I deny. Difficulty is present as much in joys as in sorrows because the only truly difficult thing is the honest endurance of life. The confidence I find within myself scares me a lot more than the anxiety I put out in front. I am afraid of drowning in its depths, and so with all my might I resist, I restrain, I deny. If I shall pray, it shall be this. Let me patiently endure that which is difficult. Let me be courageous enough not to hide, not to deny, when life comes knocking. However small an action, they matter just the same. I know that with this, all else will follow. Amen.