230629 - Outlet

I feel like exploding. There’s so much energy and no real outlet. I miss climbing. I miss running. I miss juggling. I miss singing. I’m just vibrating with energy. This is quite new to me. I need to learn how to be comfortable expressing myself, or even just Being, around others. I can feel it just walking along the street. I get self-conscious, don’t know where to keep my eyes. Then instantly there’s this sense of closing up. I think the first step is learning to be with that uncomfortableness. It only happens when I’m mindful, when I feel expanded. Because then there’s a certain intimacy, a vulnerability, to experience itsefl. And when Others enter that, it tunrs into a problem. I guess the personified Other is more difficult to integrate, there’s a lot more habitual blockages. The Gaze that deconstructs. But there’s nothing to deconstruct! Still, I don’t know how to give in to that expansiveness. I’m still judging myself from the faces of the bypasser.