240212 - Judging mind

There were two main issues, I noticed, during my meditation retreat. Two main struggles. One of them was craving. This appeared in the form of craving towards food, specifically. An oral fixation, if you will. The other one was the judging mind. This was noticed, at first, and of course in this shape I had become quite accustomed to seeing it when my mind calms down, by the criticizing of my fellow man. As my awareness grew, so did my judgment, too, seem to grow. The environment, the schedule, the rays of the sun; none were spared!

I remember my first retreat, about 8 months prior. Then it had been quite a big source of shame. With self-pity I was existentially hurt by this fact. Shall I, the noblest of men, have sunk low enough to be among these ranks of egotism and judgment!? My rejection and avoidance of what seemed to have fallen into my lap from nowhere did of course nothing more than fuel the fire. I can say now, perhaps with less embarrassment, that it was until very recently when I was able to admit what was. Eventually I found the courage to look at it honestly, thus taking the first step at working with it.

More and more, in fact, the slow molding, bending, working, with this judgment, became the main undertaking during the retreat. It became everything. Slowly I realized; this is it. It is all there is. The source of Dukkha, the source of unhappiness.

The voice in my head that gets angry at my neighbour when he does laundry in the middle of the night. The voice that snidely remarks a passerby seemingly lost in thought during walking meditation, stumbling on a vine on the ground. The disappointment in the bitterness of one day’s only meal. The impatience at my own wandering mind. Even the judging of my judging, the cycle is endless!

The rejection of what is here for the want of that which isn’t. We should be quite precise to say that we’re not talking about opinions, or preferences. We might well enough prefer Coke over Pepsi, but “Is Pepsi okay?” is met with an undertone of defeat. The feeling that this could be better. Herein lies the issue. Our opinions are not simply the direction we would choose if given the option, but just as much that we choose even when not.

Recognizing this, slowly, we set to work. Personally, my main practice lies in the realization of the Brahmaviharas. All judgment comes with tension. The practice is having the concentration, and the sati, mindfulness, to recognize when it happens. When I do, I gently smile, inwards, outwards, and ease the tension. I note the judgment, without creating further ones. Judgment is here. That’s all. Easing judgment, something else, slowly but steadily, takes its place. As subtle as the judgment were at first, this new thing grows. In the same way that the label “Judgment” won’t capture the fullness of the thing I’ve been working with, this new thing won’t be seen through the eyes of its label. Yet we shall point towards it with such a thing. Metta. Love. More accurately, that which lies behind a gentle smile.

As an endnote, I would like to share some words from the novel “Demons” by Dostoevsky that I happened to be reading this morning.

.. Everything’s good.

Everything?

Everything. Man is unhappy because he doesn’t know he’s happy. It’s only that. That’s all, that’s all! If anyone finds out he’ll become happy at once, that minute. That mother-in-law will die; but the baby will remain. It’s all good. I discovered it all of a sudden.

And if anyone dies of hunger, and if anyone insults and outraged the little girl, is that good?

Yes! And if anyone blows his brains out for the baby, that’s good too. And if anyone doesn’t, that’s good too. It’s all good. It’s good for all those who know that it’s all good. If they knew that it was good for them, it would be good for them, but as long as they don’t know it’s good for them, it will be bad for them. That’s the whole idea, the whole of it.

When did you find out you were so happy?

Last week, on Tuesday, no, Wednesday, for it was Wednesday by that time, in the night.

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