240608 - Pressure

What is today, but the needless marking of time rolling past?
As nighttime approaches, sighs are let out, and the effort barely extended is receded to its unjust but honest equilibrium. Emotions as of yet undealt finds their way into their sketched-out storage, and a thick haze of bitter disappointment can be seen rising like the thick cigar-smoke of yesteryear. Another day comes to an end.

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I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS.
All day, rising for several days now. This feeling, that makes everything seem pointless. It makes all distraction blatant as such, yet the only reaction is an increase in that which isn’t working. The alternative is to be with it. But how could I possibly? Just sit there and.. and… and feel? What a terrifying idea. I think space has not been given. Meditation has been symbolic rather than the way of life. Too much doing overtakes being. If I give in, what do I feel? I feel fear, terror even. I feel subdued, constrained, tempered. I feel like I’m losing control. Of myself, of my course. Of my space, my values and my existence. I am haunted by my past as it takes place in the present in the illusion of time not passed. As if nothing has been. I don’t know if I can stay here. I don’t know for how long I can go on like this. I don’t know what my options would be. I don’t know how to change this. I don’t know. My environment feels etched in stone. I can adapt, or remove myself. I despise one part, am deathly afraid of the second. Of course that makes the choice clear. But in reality, what can I do? Where can I go? The pressure is building quicker than I thought. I thought I could withstand, I thought a few months would be okay. It’s been a week.