240602 - Emotional stunts

Today I made porridge for breakfast. Added too much salt and felt some resistance; “If only she were here!” Afterwards I biked 20km with my mom throughout the beautiful plains and fields surrounding our quaint village. We went past my grandmother’s grave; yet another visit to a distant past. I’m re-immersing myself in the nature I was too habituated to appreciate before. It’s breathtaking yet absurdly humble. Then we do some work around the house, things that used to carry so much resistance are now taken in a new light. Of course I will clear the raspberry fields, I want to eat them when the time comes! We’ve been reconnecting over gardening and nature, my mom and I. Yesterday we had a long talk about energy, gardening, and self-sustainability. I see her making an effort, too. She’s put out small rock-ponds that she waters to help the insects around the garden. Today she asked me what I do about mosquitoes if I don’t kill them, and later she stopped herself hitting one and brushed it away instead. Things are growing, everywhere. There are struggles too. I struggle with too much conversation, too much time around other people. I struggle being without her. I notice my lack, and the weight of it being unprocessed. I’ve yet to cry. I notice my sensitivity having less space, not-too-infrequently things bubble up but I don’t feel safe and thus suppress them. Nature always brings comfort, but people… that part is so much harder. Emotions seem an archaic concept, here. Distancing and suppression seems all there is. Of course, as always, things can open if you let them. But I’m afraid to take the first step. Habits are more ingrained here, fear less welcome. And things move soo fast. I suppose it’s the perfect cover, always something blocking the light. We shall see how this progresses, but I intend to create more space to my sensitivity to flourish.