230328 - Day -7

Stabillity. That’s what I’ve been searching for, or trying to create, as I prepare for my travels.

Take a moment. Read that again. Yes, that’s right. Stability. It’s absurd.
The whole point is the freedom that comes from not having a tomorrow.
What does stability grant you? Where can it be found?
Certainly not here.

You cannot judge this future from the vantage point where you are at, where stability reigns. It defeats the whole purpose.
What is the purpose? To defeat the vantage point. To undermine it. To eradicate assumptions, to destroy the myth that is the safety of stability.
If only I know what tomorrow looks like. Then nothing bad can happen. We instead find ourselves in a lukewarm chamber, trapped by our own design.

The air grows stale. The wine turns sour. We are lured in, and slowly we fall for that despicable trap.
I know. I have seen yesterday. I have seen tomorrow. How can you excite me? I know.
Love? It’s just a bunch of chemicals.
Socialism? Ah, the naïveté of youth.
Religion? The greatest con of them all.
All that is left is an insatiable hunger, a lust, a want to desire more than the Gods themselves could offer.

Well, I’m getting ahead of myself. I guess you could say I have some unfinished business. Better to let it handle itself. It takes two to tango and all that.
You ever get the feeling that it will all turn out alright? I can’t really help it. It brings tears to my eyes. I realize that I love myself. There we find God. Infinite compassion, for yourself and for everyone else. It’s on topic because, well first of all I don’t know why I feel the need to justify myself as soon as I talk about love, well, anyways. I obviously must have known, the whole point of the trip being to undermine my stability and really force myself out of my lukewarm chamber of comfort. Yet, here I am, reminding myself, because I forgot. Actually a friend reminded me today, pointed out the absurdity. I am uncomfortable. When I try to point out the thing that seems difficult, that makes me uncomfortable, I can’t find anything. Of course because of who I am there’s a bunch of minor social interactions that stresses me out in advance, but I know that they present themselves as opportunities and make me happy in the moment. It’s the whole thing though. Freedom, itself. That’s what scares me.