230324 - Day -10

Yesterday was my last day at work. 17 months. Naturally, today is a day of reflection. 17 months doesn’t seem that long. At the same time, thinking back on who I was 17 months ago I do not recognize myself. It seems like a crude outline of who I’m determined to be. In some ways purer, sure. Naive, perhaps, depending on your point of view. Work has given me stability, comfort, practicality. It has strengthened me, my ego. This was absolutely necessary, when I started I was falling apart. Now I feel confident in myself. I am grounded. These things are not strictly positive, mind you. There is a certain charm in that chaotic, floating mind. It certainly floats higher more easily. But it is not consistent. It is, after all, driven by passion. And so it suffers. Oh how it suffers. I think this was exactly what I needed. Now, hopefully, the stability which has been developed is not dependent on its point of origination, the framework and context I was given. Therein is the gamble, which is necessary either way you look at it. I felt myself growing too comfortable, it was becoming dangerous. I was losing myself, losing my purpose. My boss pointed out the challenge quite correctly, my struggle with monotonicity, with ‘just doing’. I wanted to protest, but realized that he was right. I crave the challenge that enables development. Which is quite ironic, if you look at my relationship with Buddhism. It is something I must overcome. I just did not agree with him that this was the right place to do so. My situation was not durable. Perhaps, if I was a better man, it could have been. But it lended too many easy outs, excuses and escapades into sensuality. It had crossed the line into a net-negative development. It had become a hindrance. I must, however, make sure, that this does not become a trap. The embarassingly common trap of shiny-ness, of new-ness. The trap of Spiritual Materalism. I am certainly prone to it, simply from the fact of being a Westerner drawn into Eastern religion. An honest analysis, reflection, of my intention and the purpose of my trip seems necessary if I am to avoid the trap, avoid becoming a tourist, pray to exoticism.