230314 - Day -21

The future feels like a black hole, growing larger by the day. The image you should conjure is not that of a dark, black doom, but rather the existence of an event horizon. There’s no looking beyond, despite how much I try. I’m leaving everything and everyone I know behind. The fact that it’s only a temporary departure does not affect the event horizon even in the slightest. The scariest part is the fact that the act is entirely my own. It is pure in its origination, spontaneous in its existence. In short, it is unexpected. At the same time, it is out of my control more than anything has ever been,; born out of that surrender we fear the most. What if, we say, what if I dared to try and live the life I wanted? Without compromise, what if I just went for it? What if … I leapt? The act purifies because we do not lay claim to what lies beyond. Damn the consequences! Consequences are nothing more than that which fuels the fear of the oppressed. Who is it then, that oppresses? It is I. It is the one who wrestles over control, who fears the unknown, who hides in cowardice and lays claim to a borrowed inheritance. Did I mention that I was terrified? The future is literally unthinkable. It is empty. It is clean. Fear has kept me subdued for so long. More than I care to admit. The first revelation forces a revolution - you know it from the very first moment. But its utter incompatibility, its total demand of everything that you are; well, who among us can so easily give it all up? For what, some notion? To be clear, the content you can keep. The content is always irrelevant. But the form, oh no. The reason you get up in the morning. The intention in every breath you take. The love you though you might give to another. It might be of some trust that the choice is never yours. From that first moment you know that it’s only a matter of time. Eventually it overpowers you, and the surrender, well, anything else is eventually recognized as futile. The fact that I still feel fear tells me that a part of me have yet to surrender. It tells me that a part of me still grasps after that which I’ve known. It teaches me to reside in that place which views that as other. It is not that I must resist the fear, but that “I” must unlearn the I which feels fear to begin with. I must severe the connection of identification. Fear arises. I am aware of the fear. What do I do? I let myself be afraid.