231102 - Untitled 7

Untitled 7. Pages upon pages of unwritten material. Energy not invested, although perhaps not squandered. “Fear has kept me subdued for so long.” Old words, sentences, notions. What isn’t? I see the future in my past and it makes me wonder where I am headed. Returning to that which is new, I am confounded. The stability is uncanny, like a room I didn’t visit for a long time. The room is the same. It’s like I never left. But its revolutionary tendencies carry a tinge that wasn’t there before. Then, I gave in fully. Now, the friction of my resistance brings up a sour smell. The room may be the same, but everything is different now. There is something outside of myself that I care about. And so every drastic measure is held back by that single thought. “What about her?” And the problem isn’t even that I’m in a drastic mood. I’m actually feeling quite conservative. It’s the fear. Fear that makes me hold back. Fear that makes me afraid of practice, of honesty. Fear that makes me conservative. The first order of business is to let that fear go, or rather, to dig up its roots. Where does it come from? The attachment. Clutching her based on the misconceived notion that who I am isn’t good enough. So, a familiar pattern shows up. I let the attachment go. Again, I realize the profoundness of that mundane truth: “Just be yourself.” Everything else follows.