230718 - Graduation

Today I graduated. It’s a time of reflection. But after the release that this entails, the lifting of pressure that has been building up for these exams, I feel this emptiness. Lightness. Yet, it’s even more uncomfortable than the pressure. I feel restless. No longer the excuse of the exams, of the “have-ti’s”, the feeling can’t be justified. It’s just there. I feel proud, for where I’ve come, for the progress I’ve made. Yet I can’t allow myself to be here. The mind keeps moving, stuck in activity. Always looking forward. Before it was today, the future. Now, the future is not known. Today, again, insecurities arising. What are they? I’m not sure.. It’s just the feeling of not being enough. Despite all the externalities telling me the opposite. All I learn is that reality is never what you think it will be. That is in itself a blessing. But today I’ve felt like something is missing. Like I’m not connecting with my surroundings. As if I don’t see, and am not seen. I miss.. I’m not sure what. A good conversationg. A nice hug. Yet I’ve had both today. Maybe just the sun. What am I searching for? Again, as I look forward into the wide-spread unknown, fear creeps up. Now, more than ever, I am not ready to go home. Yet traveling certainly brings its own set of troubles. It’s easy to miss how far we’ve come. In just these 3 weeks, I went from having never done Yoga to feeling confident in teaching a class. There were so many times I was ready to give up, but in the end it all worked out. I feel so much more in touch with my body now than I ever have been, and my confidence is growing by the day. Yet I’m a bit worried, that the confidence is tied to the place. It was, in China, in Nepal, and with each movement, each uprooting, one has to start agani. Not from the beginning, mind you, but still. There’s a great longing here. For what, I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll find out. For now, I’m just trying to give in to what is. Usually it’s slightly uncomfortable, insecurites, jealousy, shame, and some positive feelings too of course. But the skill is finding comfortableness, calm abiding, in uncomfortableness as well.