230708 - Despair - (Morning)

It’s not an escape. How could it ever be? But it’s all I’ve been searching for. An escape from myself. From these feelings. Even trying to transcend them, or improve myself enough not to have them. I want to cry but the tears just aren’t coming out. Instead I’m stuck with this permeating my body, my mind, my Being. What is it, that I’m expecting? That I’m hiding from? I feel more alone around people than by myself. A deep desire lies dormant, for connection, for the action of seeing. A need to be seen. But words, stories, actions, they all cloud the mind, distract us from the vision. So what is missing? Why isn’t it enough by itself? I see. Ironically it’s the desire that clouds my eyes. There’s a desire to want something I do not want. The fear of letting the worldly concerns go. Why does the Other hold so much power? It’s a projection. It’s my own self-judgement. Why am I not like them? Seperation. But I don’t want to. I just want to allow my self. My own expression. But it’s not let out. I don’t know how. In mundane conversation there’s no outlet. Why is it so difficult to just let it be? My own wants are unknown.

It becomes a way to make myself feel better. Like everything else. To escape my feelings, my problems. Since I’m not good at that, why not just renounce it? “I don’t care about it anyways”. It’s all just mind. Ego. Reaction. The whole way down. All actions. The insecurities fuel the desire to escape the ego. So where do I go? How can I act? Seeing the intentions, the motivations behind it. The dependency of the Self, the flow of action that goes through it. Even such an understanding can’t act as a way of escaping. It’s a close system. They say that the only way out is through transcending it, through seeing through it. That it’s all an illusion. But consider me stuck, because I can’t see it. No matter how much I want. That desire is so strong. But it’s not enough. Sometimes I feel like all I need is a big hug and a genuine smile. So why go all the way to India? Right now I feel lost. Is it a weakness, the reliance on others? Yes. But what am I to do? It’s there. Yet I’m not letting myself engage fully either. Thus I’m just stuck inbetween. They say that home is where the heart is. But I just can’t seem to find it. That’s the worst part. The really heartbreaking one. I know that I miss home. But I left my home in search of it. Now I’m homeless in the true sense. Still I can’t let go.