230702 - Insecurities

What can we do except be happy with our struggles? To find joy in the contractions and expansions of life? To rejoice in the implications of fear. In short, to be content with the path as-is. Today I’ve felt overwhelmed, again, by nothing in particular. I find myself getting caught again and again by stories masterfully justifying themselves. They cloud my view of myself, contracting and tensing experience itself, reflected in my body. In tension, in the being-caught-up, there is nothing to do. But then we see it, we see ourself inside it, and we can relax, let go, ease up, expand. The environment is very conducive. Beautiful views, people greeting you on the street, a shared spiritual outlook. Cynisism and self-views easily fall away. There is time and space for it to happen, for reality to be allowed. There was stuff I wanted to do today. Laundry, buy toilet paper, work on my blog, study anatomy and Asanas, eat dinner. They did not happen. I sat on a rock for 2 hours, spent 2 at a restaurant, then slept another 2. Recovery, I guess we call it. I just know I’m gonna take the hit next week. Ain’t that funny? The seed of stress is growing because of the course, suddenly there is “have-to’s” more than showing up and being present. It reminds me of why I was struggling in school. Maybe it’s something that should be conquered here, but the nature of the current path has shifted my priorities. My emotional and spiritual struggles keep me occupied as it is. Maybe that’s an excuse to slack off, I don’t know. Next week I shall try trying harder. At times I don’t know what to do with myself. Shifting from doing to Being, whatever that means, is radical, brings insecurities. Already I’ve written so many words and haven’t even touched upon that, insecurities. It started iny my dreams, and throughout the day its deep roots have been shown to me, the mental patterns that follow and the emotional turmoil that lingers. It’s like a limitless void. I’m trying to let it be, but here I meet my edge time and time again. I get caught in my head, and even seeing that fact isn’t enough to get away. Only solitude, and/or time, helps. I guess trying to escape the insecurity is a problem. But I feel gerat aversion towards that heady feeling. Isn’t expansion what we’re aiming for? Perhaps this is where I have to investigate. That insecurity and the heady, contracted, feeling that follows. Just to watch it. And try not to react. Guard the body, speech, and mind. Let it be, see what happens. But I just get so overwhelmed. That’s another interesting topic. What does it mean, phenomenologically, to be overwhelmed? How does it feel? How can experience be more or less? I think being overwhelmed is the inability to be with what is. The need to change it. Isn’t that exactly where we meet our edge, where we must do our work, investigate, relax? But usually we only see it afterwards, because being overwhelmed means already losing ourself. We can only mindfully approach it, try to come as near as possible, to stretch its definition. I guess that’s what I’m doing here, on the other side of the globe. God knows my Self would never have allowed it as it was.