230624 - Day 1 of Yoga

I missed my first two classes this morning because of a misunderstanding. Then there were two more, because it’s the weekend it’s more relaxed. I feel that this month will be very intense. And because today was better than imagined, it’s even more scary. Because I have to respect it. Also, I’m alone in my course. Apparently that’s common. There’s just a couple other students in total here, we usually have shared schedules. There was no introduction, just straight into it. I will struggle mainly with two things. No peers, and no seclusion. These both imply that a strong, stable, self, is required. This will take a lot of energy, discipline, and effort, from my part. Today I want to run away. I feel like I’m in over my head. Now is the time to surrender.

I feel like there’s no way to get through this without becoming deeply affected. And that’s what scares me. My yoga teachertoday told me I should start sitting on the floor as much as possible, in order to learn how to be comfortable and to open up my hips. So that’s where I’m writing this. I’ve been considering walking barefoot as well. Then I just need to get some new clothes and the hippe-style is complete. I think I’m trying to be more precise, more gentle. Which ends up not being clearly recognizable, not well-defined. That makes me self-conscious. I know that the person people see when they look at me is not who I am, and not how I see myself. I need to let that go.

This morning Hari diagnosed me so accurately, while descirbing someone with too much “Lunar” energy. Calm, collected. Struggling to interact with the world and the people around him. “Heady”. I think for me it just takes time, to open up. And I have a hard time with small talk, or just talking. I am just not that interested in those kinds of particularities. Gossip. I doesn’t mean I’m cold. I don’t know. I have a hard time gauging people here. Especially locals. Some are really nice, and I just expect them to want something from me. And so I close up. Ahh. There’s so much to talk about. I will just let it be. That’s all for now.