230915 - She's so beautiful

She’s so beautiful. The same thought running through my head. As soon as I wake up. Every time I look at her eyes, or see her smile. Every word uttered by her lips or scribbled by her hand. Sometimes I’m embarrassed at how even the small things bring tears to my eyes. She’s so beautiful. Her whole being. How she expresses herself, how she lives expression. In all the things I see; all the things I can capture. So much in all the things I don’t, can’t. She’s so beautiful. Some days I wake up terrified because she doesn’t even see it. Terrified that my words, my looks, my love, will never be enough. How did Michaelangelo live with the fact that Mona Lisa was unimaginably more beautiful in his eyes than on paper? I wake up terrified. And then I turn around and she’s right there, in all her radiance. The warmth that gives me brings me right back. I’m terrified. So I tell her. You’re so beautiful. And sometimes I see a small recognition in her eyes. Those are the moments I live for. Take all the rest, just leave me those.

I could never imagine love like this. That, too, terrifies me. Its intensity binds me to care. To give my soul, not for me but for another. The surrender that was reserved for GOD finds another expression. But there’s no difference, really. And when I let myself truly feel it, I forget myself. My needs, my body, my mind. And that’s where fear arises. Where I’m not sure I can admit, even to myself, much less to her, its true intensity.

So what is this love? Intense, yes. But what are its characteristics? If you met it on the street, how would you greet it? Void. To say that it devours would be an unforgiveable inaccuracy. A black hole isn’t hungry. It doesn’t eat. It doesn’t need anything but itself. In fact, it’s SO MUCH itself that everything around it forgets itself, gets sucked in. It conforms. But to dance at that edge. Oh, to dance! As the sun sets over its edge horizon, could you imagine a more beautiful sight? Surfing these adolescent waves of pale illumonisity with a fat grin on your face? Knowing, not that death could come at any moment, but that it shall?

Hello, is the words that come out of my mouth as I greet her on the street. Indeed, could you imagine that power as anything but female? It’s a soft, shy, gentle, hello. The one that stays stuck in the throat if you let it. The one that’s afraid of itself. But oh no, the moment will pass. So I won’t let it. I clear my throat, strengthen my voice. HELLO, I say. You look familiar. She turns around. Her eyes are twinkling. “It’s been a while”, she says. “Didn’t expect to see you so soon.” I take a deep breath, having forgotten if I ever learned how to swim, and I dive into her eyes.