230901 - Moving on

The universe is telling me it’s time to move on. It has a strong, resolute, commanding tone. Making sure that the message is heard. That there’s no denying it. It just hasn’t been the same since I got back from those green meadows. It felt like I was gone for weeks. A geniuine trip. Wow. Looking back.. Well, there’s no need to is the point. It’s still here with me. Maybe that’s what causes the disharmony. It was so much of what I needed. The other half, just a few days away now. I see that I never know what I need beforehand, not really. But the universe provides, when I’m open to hear it. Now, what used to be a haven has become claustrophobic. A familiar feeling. “No more”, it says. It intensifies that which has been beneath. What is that? On one hand, a calm. Everytime I let myself sink back into it, I am amazed. Impossible to take for granted. On the other hand, I’m struggling. Again, I find myself enveloped in my words. But I’m so tired of them. Sometimes I find myself writing, deleting, sighing. I don’t want them anymore. I long for more. A look, a smile, a touch. That which is beyond. But everyday, more words. They only serve to intensify that feeling. Yet right now, they’re all I have, a lifeline in this desperation. I’ve tried to live a day at a time. To be with what is. But that which is? Well, that is this. Even if I wish it weren’t so. Which I don’t. Every day brings me closer, but now I’m at an edge. And I’m terribly afraid, to allow myself this. To let myself not only feel - but admit. Admit its intensity. Admit the joy it brings. Admit its impermanence. Admit how much of it is unknown. Admit how much it means. Should it? But rationalizing, questioning.. that means nothing. It does not halter what is here. And the fear of reciprocity.. after all this, that more than anything. The terrible awareness of its limiting context. Although the fear has never left, it binds me no longer. I am so ready to dive that I’m aching for it. Whatever that means - its time cannot be measured by the clock. Its meaning cannot be given a value. Whatever happens, I know that I have lived.

“To hold Infinity in the Palm of your Hand,
and Eternity in an Hour.”