230829 - Radically alive

I want to live my life in such a way that death could take me at any moment and I’d know that I’d be ready to go. Because it could. Really. I’ve reflected on what that would mean. At first I thought it meant a radical acceptance. In some ways it does. But it also means not pushing to tomorrow what can be dealt with today. It means a naked honesty in what you are, in the expression of your being. It means being fully, at this very moment. In movement, in stillness; by yourself, with others. Leaving nothing unsaid, undone, unfelt. It means coming face to face with the uncomfortableness of reaching out first, of expressing love in a relationship built somewhere else, in a construct of their making. It’s shattering these chains of oppression; slicing the veil which prevents you from seeing eachother, truly. It’s accepting the almost unbearable fear that arises as you allow yourself to realize just how much you care. Just how much she, they, all of it, matters. It’s the reason we hide behind our walls; it’s why we put them up in the first place. It’s why we talk about the weather, what we’ve done, and what we’re doing next, when we meet; instead of what we truly want to say. How much you mean to me. It’s knowing that you have to take the first step, and you don’t know how they’ll react. That’s outside of your control. It’s being okay to feel the flow of tears when you contemplate that all this could be gone tomorrow. It’s seeing the beauty here, today, because tomorrow is nothing but an idea in your head. It’s seeing the ugly, too. Realizing that beauty goes beyond itself. That every hardship, every tear; every shout of abuse or disrespect, all of that, too, is life. It’s seeing how utterly imperfect all of it is, how much we’re hurting. How much suffering there is today, and I haven’t even left my room! It’s feeling all of this, letting its intensity make you tremble. It’s feeling the hopelessness it comes with, its sheer force overpowering even the greatest of man. It’s recognizing that this, too, what you feel now in your heart; that’s beautiful. That’s perfection in itself. It’s the only way to truly be alive, with death on your shoulder. With every breath: I live, I die.