230826 - Searching

I find myself looking for something that isn’t here, somewhere over there. I don’t know the point. Calm your mind, they say. Subdue your demons. Extinguish your passions. But aren’t they, too, a part of me? To whom am I speaking? To myself, sometimes. Most times I fail to listen. Isn’t passion in fact what we’re missing? Isn’t passion what brought me here? What gives me the confidence to keep going, to wake up with a smile? To feel the grass underneath your toes, or the hot asphalt burning your soles? To be disturbed by the goat’s cute yell in the midst of meditation? What else could there be? To be alive, isn’t that the point? To laugh in their face when they tell you who to be? Sometimes I yearn for things I’ve yet to experience. Sometimes I get lost in memories of things I have. BUT ISN’T THAT OKAY? To stay true to oneself, authentic. Sometimes that’s longing. Sometimes it’s feeling a lack. Some days I wake up and don’t know what I’m doing with myself. Then I search my memories and realize that I never have. The negation of a negation. A point in time, in space. We’re based on the nullity of nothingness. How does that make you FEEL? Empty space that got confused. There’s no transcendental meaning to it. We wander the globe, searching for something, not realizing that the search is a distraction keeping us from what we’ve always known; what’s right in front of us. And when we look, we see. There’s nothing there. On days like these I like to eat a hearty meal. Share a smile, a laugh. Get lost in a good book. Eventually, I forget. I lose myself again. And then the search continues.