230817 - The epilogue keeps running

Again, here we are. All I want to do is write but the words are running out. So is the ink. Today I slept in, then I meditated for 90 minutes. Longest stretch yet. The Mala I bought has proved to be a blessing, wherever I go or whenever I idle, it is there, mantra after mantra it keeps bringing me back. Slowly, slowly, my mind calms down. I keep coming back to that first travel entry, 3 weeks before I left. More than 5 months ago now. It’s become my favorite.

The future feels like a black hole, growing larger by the day. The image you should conjure is not that of a dark, black doom, but rather the existence of an event horizon. There’s no looking beyond, despite how much I try.

Now, more than ever, that horizon is here, with me. It’s no longer projected into the future. My plans kept me going for these last 4 and something months. Now they’ve run out. The anxiety that has brought me shows me something True. The fact that we think we know, habitually, tomorrow, is what keeps us subdued. We pretend we know the sun will rise in the morning, like it always has. We think we know the taste of our next breath. But our knowledge is the fetter that keeps us away from seeing what is there. Like a veil, our concepts softly embrace all that we see. The event horizon is our true home. Every breath is fresh, is unique, is utterly new. Every moment is there, shining with its mysterious luminousity. So is Death; the true meaning of a black hole. If you were to die tomorrow, what would you do different? What about the next breath? How can we let our imperfections play out without regret?

I found a pair of eyes that made me feel like Death had nothing to take from me. A laughter that made the deepest ocean seem like a shallow pond. An understanding that made my insecurities, everything I’ve tried to hide as imperfections, feel like my biggest strength, like a shining armor. To know this possibility brings me comfort in the midst of fear. Drowning in the ocean of possibilities, I know that all I need is here. To feel her absence as a lack would be to diminish what she showed me. But I’m only human.

I signed up for a Vipassana retreat that starts on the 20th. Which means I’m leaving tomorrow. I’ve been here almost 2 months now. By now I thought that I would be back home, there was a time I wanted to go back before July. Now, home is but an image of that which was. I like to think that I have gotten somewhere. Like years of practice has given me something akin to experience. But 10 hours of meditation a day for 10 days? I can’t imagine what unsubjugated demons would arise. More fear. But I know I’ll be okay, and more importantly I know that the only path is forward. Why else am I here? This last week is the first week since I left home that hasn’t been tied down to something official. It’s made me a bit restless. But I’m glad that my practice masters it, despite the lack of structure. I know I will need even more time to finish the pile of books that keeps growing in my backpack. Heidegger is a constant reminder whenever I have to move. All in due time; for now, my back will suffer from my bad decisions. There’s 3 more I want to buy downtown before I leave.