230816 - The shore

I try to look at myself with the same eyes that they do. I desperately search for what they see. They tell me I am worthy of their love, but I’m afraid to admit it. When I look at myself in the mirror, the face that looks back at me is the object of such habitual negativity that has been perpetuated throughout my life. But I’m so tired of this baggage. I’m so tired of not letting myself go. I can find compassion for myself, but Love? I just don’t know. There is so much beauty around us, I can see it in the people I meet, each one shining forth in their own unique way. In myself, too, as soon as I look, it’s there. But the habits must be overcome with force. With the encompassing pressure of a pair of soft eyes, I encounter the world, and the same soft beauty is reflected back to me.

OM MANE MANE MAHA MANAYE SOHA

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The waves keep carrying me along. I know they’re just waves, but what scares me more than the pain they bring is the vastness of the ocean underneath. I feel it with every breath, closing my eyes and entertaining the possibility of drifting away. What’s truly terrifying is that it feels like I actually could. Like all of the reasons not to are dropping away, one by one. The stillness is still there, underneath it all. I keep checking, anxiously. Habitually my thoughts keep spiraling away, emotions arising and falling. The wheel keeps spinning. But it’s not me anymore. It’s never felt this real, this stable, before. People look me expectantly in the eye, but I struggle to engage. What is left, once everything else falls away? I’m afraid I might find out.