240907 - Venturing Forth

I’ve been empty of words. Empty of meaning, of direction, motivation, energy. Losing faith and losing hope, despite what everything tells me. Constantly moving, towards, away, filled with anxious dread and fear. Yet somewhere it has to begin, and if not now then when? Momentum is the key to everything. Changing gears is the hardest thing we can do, but at least we can rest assured that it only becomes easier from here. Consistency builds us, and if anything this has always been my struggle. I look back towards the person I have been, and I am incredibly scared that he is me. Old destructive patterns resurface, and I find myself lost in time. Especially having come back here, to where I grew up, reliant on others for my living, stuck in a place without space. But I am not him. Neither am I he who traveled, who conquered fear and followed his dreams. I am all of it, and nothing. I am through the choices I make throughout the day. My past resides inside of me, neither more nor less than the future I have yet to meet. I know there is confidence and strength inside of me; wisdom without bounds and compassion brimming with life. For some reason I am scared of it. I am scared of following the path, and I wallow and purposefully stay behind in unhappiness. I see it, oh so clearly. I hear the voice of wisdom guiding me, and I choose not to listen. Why, I do not know. Perhaps this is the great mystery. Why do we choose suffering? Certainly, it is a choice. My friend called me naivé once for saying so; for the belief in our own responsibility in suffering. For others, I cannot say. The Dhamma talks, and I listen. I look, and I confirm. Only, I cannot confirm for others. What my eyes see is this: I choose to suffer. Not always consciously, not always purposefully, or in those exact terms, and yet. I choose to suffer. Why? I cling to the suffering I know because the depths that awaiten terrify me. Because the leap, the venturing forth, this is death. It is surrender. It is life. It is everything.