20230811 - 20:14
I just bawled my eyes out. How can I even begin to talk about this last 36 hours since I got out? Everything I can say would reduce it, so I will leave it to grow in my heart. Maybe instead you’ll get to see the flowers. This is not about that though, it’s about my 10-day silent retreat in Tushita. The integration process is still ongoing, but now I can look back on the experience and see it a bit clearer. It ended up meaning a lot more to me than I thought it would, not just because of the people I met. The teacher, Rachel, was an amazing person. She really allowed herself to pour out in the teachings, with so much compassion, love, and most of all: honesty. She’s a true inspiration simply in her way of Being. The silence and the freedom a schedule and no distractions gives you is breathtaking. The spaciousness that you allow in to yourself shows you what Dhamma really is, and it’s alive. However, I think what Tibetan Buddhism gives you more than anything is not this. It’s the softer qualities, the emotional development. More than anything I’ve really worked with it’s so directly healing. The other fascinating part is the Tantric one. Personally the “more obvious” ones; paintings, statues, malas, stupas, mantras. These ‘things’ you can really work with. The meditations on death, and on suffering and compassion, they broke my heart. But it was just the shell I had mistaken for the core that started cracking. I feel so alive. There’s so much love bursting out, and I’m trying to let it. Naked we are born, naked we die. With wisdom; naked is how we walk through life.
Below I will share some journals and writings from my time there. It’s unstructured and very fragmented, but more than anything it reflects the stark truth of my feelings and emotions. My experience in general.
The first thing that popped into my mind as I first saw our teacher was “If I knew that was her I never would have come here.” Just a few minutes later her presence proved me wrong. I think she will be a great teacher. After the intro-session, around 9:30, when going to brush my teeth, I missed the gutter because of the dark and fell, hurting my knee and I started bleeding. As I was brushing my teeth 5 people came to help me with various disinfectants and alcohol and sprays. Such kindness and compassion!
Because of all the Israelis I have clung to stereotypes, because they speak their own language and are always in groups. And because they’re very direct. But everyone I’ve actually met and talked to has shown only kindness. I look forward to these upcoming 10 days of silence and contemplation. Today emotions and thoughts from Kopan in Nepal came rushing back. So much forgotten in such little time, it’s only been 6 weeks. But also much retained, and the Yoga has taught me a lot. Hopefully the silence allows me to maintain and deepen my mindfulness. That is my goal.
Happy is he who comes to know the causes of things
Dependent origination, causes and conditions, karma. Analyzing what creates in us happiness, or suffering, and adjusting our behaviour.
Motivation, non-grasping, dedication. It purifies the practice by re-iterating and putting into focus the intention. Enlightenment. Nothing less.
A label defines a function. It abides in the symbolic order. It is always defined in terms of the future, because what is a function but means to an end? This is how things make themselves known to us, as present-at-hand, in their use-case. But it is not what they are.
I was getting weary of philosophy teachings after almost 2 months every day here and in Nepal, not to mention China. Funny I should realize this on the first day of a 10-day commitment. I will have to view it as mindfulness practice. Currently I’m very much looking forward to the retreat, here, and later in Thailand. I’m sure my opinion will reverse then. Silence is harder having 1 hours of discussion, it’s just enough to open the can of worms. Also the conditions here are a struggle, something to get used to. I’m hungry, craving the food I used to have. The showers are a bucket, the toilet squatting. My roomate is snoring. The sun barely exists. What else…? I’m sure more will come. A wonderful opportunity to practice uppekha.
I sat and watched as a mosquito sucked my blood, wishing him hapiness.s Now the itching will serve as a reminder of compassion. Today when washing (drying) the dishes I tried to watch myself do it, imagining it was my suffering I was sweeping away. It had limited success, activity and mindfulness is difficult to combine. Atleast now I get plenty of practice. My mind has been running today, during meditation too. I think I’ve let myself get carried away these last couple of weeks. Now I get to work with that, dedicated fully. 24 hours a day. Anything less would be disingenious.
What is death, really? Not as that which is encountered, as something that happens to another, or as that which of course will affect you, “one day in the future.” The present is the expression of the past and the future, in eternity. It is where they both reside. So the future, our future, resides in us, in every moment it is expressed. It is the space of possibility, or of liability. So it is with death; its expression is always here, only usually it’s hidden from us. In every breath we take it lies dormant. Can you feel it? The fragility of that which you take for granted? Can you allow the preciousness to imbue your presence, can you allow yourself the sensitivity to resonate with the beating of your heart? Knowing, with every breath, that it could be your last, do you have the resoluteness to keep on going? Can you live it, with every breath fully lettting go of your entire Being, allowing the next moment to stand on its own?
Future possibility of suffering is present liability, is current suffering. We have to protect ourselves, or manage it as it arises. Thus it transcends time. Without uprooting suffering forever, we are not free. Indra’s net. The whole of the universe is reflected in a single grain. So it is with time. Everything is here and now. The eternity of past and future is reflected, is found, here, now.
You don’t have to do anything. That’s the trick. Even as you’re distracted, let it be. All you have to do is not feed the distraction. Of course being distracted requires activity. But we forget. Just breathe and sit with the distractions, with the pain, with whatever comes up. Don’t view it as an obstacle in the way of your practice. Sitting with it is the practice. As such, you should not sit and wait for something to happen, for the “real practice” to begin. What there is is precisely what is. And it’s beautiful. Mindfulness is stretching the mind enough to see both hands simultaneously enduring.
In the race against Yama, the Lord of Death, WHO IS FASTER?
So self is not that which we think it is. I don’t know how much you know about Tibetan Buddhism. But they say self is not what we think it is… right? They claim we believe there is a self based on the 5 aggregates, but actually it is not a unitary, independent, permanent thing. So what is there then? Clear light. It’s like a mirror, and the objects or things we’re aware of are like the appearances.in the mirror. It’s not correct to say that there is nothing writing this. However, it’s also true to say that there is something writing this. Because how else could something be written? This comes from a Being only. Only when we think of ourselves or the self, we usually think it is a permanent, independent, unitary self. So in the ultimate point of view, there is actually no permanent thing, but appearances are still arising and going on in the mirror. And you are still experiencing. Or, as you might say, there is still experiencing. Mere clarity and awareness. It’s clear from the view point of “there is the experiencing” that there is something which can perceive experience. Experiencing = Being. And sentiments are felt or perceived and they influence how you perceive and apprehend. And this mirror analogy says mere clarity and awareness. There is a mirror. There is a being.
Meditation is not the waiting for stillness. It should not be infused with expectation. Movement is not failure. We are not trying to bring up “experiences.” We just sit and watch. Breathe goes in. Breath goes out. Thought arises. Thought passes. Pain comes. Pain goes. Calmness is there. Calmness is not there. It’s all okay. We just look at it as it is.
Suffering is rooted in the identification with the self. It is the mental movement towards that which isn’t there. Wanting it to be different. Grapinsg pleasure. Avoiding pain. It is, however, not simply preference. Why & How does Self neccessarily create suffering? What is it that identifies with Self?
Self is the mistaken notion that experience is happening to me. It makes us think life is personal. But we are a part of experience, within it, inseperable. There is only experience. There is no grasping or aversion in experience itself. But because we think experience happens to me, to a some-thing, we want it to be a certain way. Suffering happens to I. I suffer.
Today was the first time I saw the sunset since I got to India. The sky is orange. It reminds me of home. I feel happy.
My brother has cancer. Still I’m not able to cry. My friend’s mother-in-law died, and she tells me she’s afraid it “messed her up inside”. The suffering is pervasive. Despite everything, I’m not able to feel it clearly. Something blocks my heart from resonating with tenderness, compassion, sadness. Is it selfish that this is what I worry about? How can I be compassionate if I cannot allow myself to really feel the suffering? I know why, of course. All the tears of childhood, at some point they ran out. They were not compatible with the fact that I had to go on living. But now, after so many years, I long for release.
Transmission. It’s when the teacher opens up their heart, allow themselves the vulnerability, and the Dharma, the True, streams forth. Its vibration is unmistakeable. The amosphere in the room changes. At once, you are there, alongside it. Your heart opens, it is touched. Teacher and Student are nothing but the occasion for Truth to flow through. Blessed are those who get to witness.
I am that which cannot find myself. As soon as I look, I am gone. They tell me I am wise, that I am brave. All I know is that I am lost. I am not that which cannot be found, but that which keeps looking. Roaming, seeking, looking is always projected outwards, to that which isn’t here. Why? Because that which I’m looking for isn’t here. It’s nowhere. But how can I give it up? It’s all I know I am that which searches. To stop is to die. Not looking elsewhere, that which is, is allowed to be. It is faced. In that instant, that first death. I cease to be. Having ceased, I see that I’ve never been. If I am not, what is? THIS. Inexplicable, mysterious, yet utterly familiar. All that’s ever been, everything I’ve been searching for, but in my confusion run away from. I hide in fear from having to experience its vastness. Letting it go, I dissipate, and my heart is touched by the tenderness of that which permeates all. Its utter gentleness. Love.
Words are just so many ways to hide from the truth. I can’t believe what I myself am writing. How can I communicate that which cannot be grasped? I am becoming very fond of washing the dishes. It cleans my mind. I feel pure. THAYATA OM MANE MANE MAHA MANAYE SOHA. I had a big realization about equanimity the other day. It’s still sinking in. Equanimity has nothing to do with your mental activity itself. It’s how you relate to that activity. If the mind is full of chatter and noise, a complete mess, you look at that with gentleness and smile. The mess is okay. Just don’t feed it. Eventually it runs out of fuel and dies out. We cannot make it calm, we can just give it space for the process to happen naturally. And so, whatever is, it’s okay, let it be, and let go of the notion that it should be any other way. Just smile at it.
Imagine your only son burning in a fire, being in excrutiating pain, as you’re watching, unable to help.
Imagine your mother, old and blind, walking next to a ledge, with every step in the possibility of falling down.
See the suffering of the world, and realize that it won’t get better unless you do something about it.
Then look at your own mind and how inadequate you are to help, to ease their suffering.
We’re not pulling any punches here.
I see that recognizing suffering is the first step. But how can you bear it? What can I do about the fact that the last time I saw my friend he explained his suffering and asked me “What can I do when I feel too weak?" I couldn’t help him. Everyday of my life, in my parents relationship with eachother and with the world, I see deep suffering. Scars I know will never heal. I cannot make them see. Often enough, I’m not even strong enough to look at it myself. Our teacher says”Do not overdo it, only take on as much suffering as you can handle." But did my brother get the same choice? I’m barely able to keep it together myself, yet my pain lessens in comparsions; I have been blessed with the sensitivity to see and the Dharma to work with it. Now all I want is to share my vision; to show the beauty and the smile with which we can greet our pain. But everyone has their own path to walk. How could Buddha see it all and vow to help until it was all done? How can we possibly vow to do the same? To walk alongside, sharing their pain but unable to carry it for them.
The self is a bundle of sticks. What makes us think that sight and sound is the same? That it all happens to me? We relax and find that it’s just a misconception created by pressure. It requires continual pressure to subsist. Every moment IT IS, every moment we suffer, is a moment we create, in that very moment, by the activity of squeezing. The liberation of suffering is never more than a breath away. Awakening is not an insight, not a realization, it’s an energetic shift. Physical, not conceptual.
We don’t know that we don’t know.
Once again. Stormy seas are not bad. Equanimity is not freeing yourself from hardships. It’s not getting carried away by them. “Good meditation” is not always blissful. Bliss is not a state that should be chased, as just another pleasure. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes every single breath is a struggle. Sometimes you don’t know how you’re going to make it through the night. Whether it’s pain, sadness, loneliness, or just a universal discomfort from the fact of being alive.
Whew. I went into this retreat with a bit of an arrogant attitude, if we’re being honest. “I’ve done this before, I know what it’s about.” As a way to get some silence and time for practice. But meditation and routine does not mix. It’s always fresh, sparkling, brand new. This retreat has been a lot more than I was ready for. Maybe the Yoga practice and happenstance primed me. It’s been such a precious experience. A lot of emotions. If one thing has been made clear it’s the first noble truth. There is suffering. But also so much love has been shown. By the people here, teachers, volunteers, workers, the others taking the course. Also by the people I’ve met elsewhere, throughout my life. So much love and compassion. It’s something that I want to go through life wanting to repay, with a clear intention. It’s what makes me able to smile through the tears of my tender heart, maybe for the first time daring to look at the extent of suffering. How can anything be more worthwile than practicing in order to easen the suffering of the world? To spread a little happiness? Now this experience is coming to an end, and I feel immense gratitude for the opportunity I’ve been given. The emotions are overwhelming at times, but I’m trying to let them be. So much love. So much suffering. So much compassion. So much pain, so much sadness. So much happiness. With a smile I try to embrace it all.
Integration is key. It’s NOT about holding on to the past, but in intertwining the state, the practice, with life. The breath is a constant reminder of life. Trust it. It’s not going anywhere.
I want to remember this feeling. Nakedness. Clarity. Presence. Pristine beauty. More than anything; spaciousness. It’s always here, behind it all. Never more than a breath away.