20240130 - 11:39
You wake up one morning, like countless others. The atmosphere is lukewarm. Nothing’s really the matter. If someone were to ask you how you’d feel, “can’t complain” seems like a suitable answer. Today though, you look into what that means. The answer’s complacency hides a brutal honesty, like a bubble rising from deep below the surface. You can’t really complain, there’s nothing in specific that you can point to, nothing out of the ordinary. Yet everything is, fundamentally, existentially, really fucking shitty. The only thing different about today is you admit that to yourself. It’s a gray Monday in November. You imagine the sun waking up, giving a loud sigh: “ugh”, hitting the alarm clock and rolling back over to sleep. It’s been like this for a while. Slowly you’re starting to see it. Same old life. You find yourself inside of it, wondering how you even managed to end up here. Trying to remember a time where the colours were vibrant, but it seems like a distant dream. That’s how you know it’s a long time ago, because you haven’t dreamt in forever. But something inside you have opened up, and you’re blessed with the most precious of things. A desire. It starts so small, so small. Slowly, whispers grow into a voice, and lately you’ve had to call in sick from work because it’s shouting in your head. NO LONGER. That’s what it says. Soo… what do you do? Recognizing the fact that you’ve taken a wrong turn, that something went undoubtedly.. wrong, for lack of a better word. You might try to look around a bit, talk with people, seek others. But they don’t understand you.. not really. They can’t help you, listening to others above yourself is what led you here in the first place. At this stage, we pose the question. Where do we go from here?
You have some notion of how you should orient yourself. There’s talk about love, about self-respect. About trust. But that’s just it, it’s all talk. You don’t really trust yourself. After all, you’re the one that got yourself into this mess in the first place. And love… well, you’re not sure if you know what that even is. The warmth of your mom’s embrace? But she’s been so busy lately. And love for yourself? That brings up images of the narcissistic people you’ve met along the way. You don’t wanna be like them. Where do we go from here?
Well, you start by listening. People talk about meditation and mindfulness and breathing and so on, but put it all aside for a second and just listen. To the birds, to the wind, to the fan in your room. The neighbours talking or watching TV. A car honking outside. A baby crying, a cow mooing. Maybe your mind starts to wander. Thoughts come popping up, like clouds in the sky.
“Well this is quite boring. I wonder what I’ll have for dinner. Mmm, maybe that restaurant next-door. They have great egg-rolls. Oooh I should learn how to make that. Maybe I could ask them. The waiter’s cute, too. Oh right, I was supposed to listen. Can’t even do it for a few seconds. Why is this so hard. I wonder how much time has passed. This doesn’t help. Maybe I’m the problem, maybe it’s just not for me..”
Whatever it is, however much you lose yourself, it’s all okay. Slowly we become aware of our thoughts. Slowly, we learn to listen. It’s not love. It’s maybe not even trust. But, listening to your thoughts create space. It lets you see that you are not them. And sometimes it lets you hear beyond the incessant chatter to something deeper. A voice that might have something more interesting to say.