20240627 - 17:02
Today I wake up with determination. Something needs to change. Suffering has creeped in, attention has been waning. Depressive tendencies are arising. Old habits, I notice. Needless, useless, superficial. I sleep until my body naturally wakes up, around 9. An hour morning meditation gives my mind space: not to concentrate but to digest. My phone stays silent and tucked away as I eat breakfast. I leave it at home, and after a minute of contemplation my shoes too, as I go for a long walk picking smultron for the cake we’re baking tomorrow. It’s my mom’s 60th birthday. I’m away for almost 2 hours, not a long walk by any means but it’s slow and transformative. Without my phone, alone in nature, barefoot, I find myself again. A burden has been taken off, and again I feel like there is time. Time, and space, to exist. My mind wanders as I walk, searching for the precious red berries, and I let it, keeping it casually anchored. Rising, Falling - Left, Right - In, Out. Pressure releases, and I feel free. The urgency of life is an illusion, a collective dream. It did not take long for me to get carried away by my surroundings, by their beliefs, and by my own habits so closely tied to the enviromental cues I’m once again subjected too. But it’s not mine, and with trained eyes I can step outside of it. I notice that the effort is the same. It’s just as difficult now as it was then, to step away. Only now I know the difference. My experiences serve as ground for a deep faith. This is not my life - no more, no longer. I know the path I walk, and I know which stars will guide me. I will never forget, but the difficulty of summoning effort shall not be taken for granted. All I need is right here inside of me.
We are lured into a fragmentary existence by the illusionary urgency of cyberspace. Always something to do, always somewhere to get to. Continously demanding our attention, infinite arrays of content rushing by our eyes. Yet it is completely empty. It promises everything, yet offers nothing. I feel its weight in my pocket, the mass of the digital world. How can I cultivate presence, compassion, love, when its incessant screams constantly call for action, for activism (In Friede’s sense, action without thought)? “Do now, think later!”, its motto ceaselessly rushing us forward. Respect, is what it requires. Not the hard military discipline of “I shall not”, but the gentle and compassionate smile of respect. I respect myself, my journey, my sensitivity, enough to give myself the space I need. I respect the pressing demands of cyberspace enough to know that we are not compatible. As long as it’s a tool, we can co-exist. But when it presses into my life, as life, I see that we must part ways. What a rare freedom! All around me the trees sway in the wind, and some ants find my bare feet curious and decide to explore. Together, we are utterly alone.