20241021 - 15:39
We were supposed to build a family together. To settle down, start a community, and live life on our own conditions. Eventually, raise some kids. This is not a life I had imagined before her. In fact, with her too, I resisted first. But it grew inside of me. It’s not something I wanted in general, but with her. Of course, we were a bit naive. These were dreams, and acknowledged as such. But coming home, wasn’t this the first step? Why am I hesitating in my current decision to leave? Because of this. I close my eyes and I see our land burning. Our unborn kids dying. Isn’t this the fact? They scream at me to help; but what am I to do? The mistake was letting them be born in the first place: thinking dreams and plans were anything but that. I ask myself why I am choosing this life for me now. What my intention is. All I feel is this huge void in my heart. Its pull is increasing, and no longer do I want to fill it up with something undependable. Nothing else could possibly be a way out. Yet the choice was never mine to begin with. And leaving would be accepting that the land is burning. Leaving brings up other images. Her, a bit older and a bit wiser. A compassionate husband, and several kids. And I’m not there. I see myself visiting, seeing what life has brought her. And I’m happy for her. Yet my heart is broken because I’m not there. Isn’t this reality, now? Isn’t this the path carved out for me? Wouldn’t moving on imply, not that it will happen, but that it can? For all the pain it brings me, there is no choice here. I am not the master of my life. All I can do is throw my hands up in the air and shout into the sky above. What am I supposed to do!? Life chooses for me. I can resist, and suffer, accomplishing nothing. Or I can accept, surrender, and still suffer. But maybe, if done rightly, I can suffer less. So, to get it over with. To tell myself truthfully: This has happened. And there’s no denying it, and there’s no changing it no matter how much you want to. This is where life is headed, and you are coming along for the journey. Because this is not YOUR life. It just is.