20230814 - 19:18
In my desperation I try to re-live my memories, going over them again and again. Trying to etch them into my brain, so that they will never be forgotten. But their truth is not found there; in words spoken or getting lost in a pair of eyes, in the depths of laughter or a heartfelt embrace. The truth is found in every new breath, in the heart that is now seen. The only way to do it justice is to re-live its purity in every new act; in every encounter. But she saw me like no one ever has, and my heart aches knowing I’ll never see her again. I wake up every morning crying, not sure how I’m ever going to get over it. For the first time in my life I was not alone. She showed me what life could be, and her strength brings me to my knees. Looking fear straight in the eyes, without flinching she keeps walking forward.
The credits never roll. It feels so weird, coming out of such a huge experience into the world. The first few days are just brimming with love. I was overflowing. But a few days pass and the people I shared it with left, one by one. Everything is different now. And so, for me too, it’s time to move on. But how can I? I can never go back to how it was. In the end I’m left with sadness, but with too much respect for the present to let it deteriorate into nostalgia.
Again, fear. I’m not sure how to move on. It’s becoming a pattern. The intensity is scaring me. I’m alive. All the rest, I’m not sure. Only this I know. What else is there? The only betrayal would be not allowing myself to live. Social anxiety and arrogance is cut from the same cloth. The illusory importance of Self. I’m trying to open my heart to this world; remove all the walls. My whole Being is resisting, propped up by conditioning it’s terrified to abandon. This point keeps coming back to me. The tipping point where you know you can never truly go back, but the full-hearted commitment is yet to be made. I can feel it in my bones; aching, shaking, anxiously anticipating.
This feels inadequate. My expression does not manage to approach the heart of the matter. What is it? I don’t know.