20231104 - 10:58
Ahhh. Here we are again.
It hasn’t been according to expectations. Of course. Dukkha. I’ve been resisting this fact. Resisting difference.
Even negative things, which I would like to do without. Well, they are here. What can I do about it? Accept them, or leave.
I promised myself one month. In one month, we shall see. This, I think, is enough time to get acclimated. To know if my reaction simply stems from change itself.
So, for one month, accepting is the only solution. The only goal, as well.
I think the noise I’ve gotten used to in the city, or around work, everything, has been a very good external screen for my inner turmoil.
It has been projected unto the situation I’ve been existing within, thus effectively disowned. “It’s just my environment.”
These last days, the screen has diminished notably. So the turmoil makes itself known, instead. The negative voice grows in size, in power.
I think this is also an effect of the change. Before, I was comfortable. I was proficient. Now, I am like a child.
I do not know the culture. I do not speak the language. I have come to learn something they have studied for decades.
I must learn, must accept, must embrace, failure. I shall not let embarassment defeat me, must not let my weakness be projected.