20241219 - 21:43
Today I find myself at a pizzeria eating a substantially large and spicy pizza. I am in the middle of conversation with the person whom I share the pleasure of sharing this moment with when something unexpected happens. I find myself angry. Irritated. Full of aversion. This is completely unexpected to the context I am within, and what follows is deep confusion and disorientation. This anger and aversion feels completely alien and I am unable to reconcile them with myself. I ask for a moment from the conversation and sit with it. Looking, I see that it has arisen on the basis of physical stomach issues. My digestion and sensitive stomach is not able to ‘properly’ handle the pizza, most probably the spiciness but the precise cause I cannot claim to know, and as a result I feel a large amount of pain. This pain is then habitually repressed, and of course with repression comes aversion, which has now arisen as anger. In the moment I see only part of this, and sitting with it helps enough that I can continue to ignore the depth of the underlying phenomena in order to continue with conversation. After a while it arises again, now in the form of sensitivity to the noise in the restaurant, and this time I take it as occasion to leave and head home. Of course this, too, does not help, as I notice when after saying goodbye and continuing walking I experience self-consciousness, anxiety, and a resistance to the presently enduring context of “having to head home”.
“Arghh I am too tired to walk but it will be so crowded at this time on the metro!”
This, again, feels alien. These are no longer (thank god!) habitual thoughts and feelings of mine, and I don’t believe their self-justificating stories. Evidently though, sometimes it takes a while to realize! They are arisen phenomena ‘on top’ of experience, and usually they point to something ‘repressed’/avoided/unacknowledged. Remembering this, taking the time to feel, I of course inevitably see the at this point screaming monster which is my stomach pain. Now acknowledged, the suffering fades, and with it its (in the end much worse!) symptoms in form of anxiety, irritation, and in general aversion to the present experience. Instead I am left with what can best be described as a deep and wide pit of pain in my stomach area. Not great by any stretch of the imagination, and I have a strong preference towards not having it, but I am no longer averse to it. I don’t deny its existence, and I don’t claim to be in (direct) control of it. It is there. As such, it is not a cause for suffering. In that regard, it is perfectly fine, and I am completely okay. I head home with great relief and appreciation for my (newfound) ability not to take the aversion for granted. Sometimes it might take some time for me to see and realize, but then its a good thing I am patient too ;-)